Sunday, September 22, 2013

Tearing Through

I want to be angry at this curse you've given me, but I am torn. It almost protects me, numbing out all feeling, but tearing apart everyone around me.

Thank you for causing the pain and humiliation. Emotionless with a blank stare, I secretly hope to see you again. To show you. The masochist in me is screaming and thrashing in my gut, close to tearing flesh.

Let us both pray she does not get free and send us spiraling, as her thirst for pain is unbearable.

Sunday, June 9, 2013


With the death of one, comes life in another.
A more worthy, self-sufficient girl.
No longer dependant; addicted to the pain and punishment which she so greatly believed she deserved.
For what she was, what she had become was disgusting, degrading- wrong- in all aspects of the word.

Her painted face did nothing to hide the anger and hate; unlike the others who she surrounded herself with.
The beater, the cheater, and the rapist.
She know them all too well; but hardly at all- as she stay silent for the majority of their years together.
Of course the latter of the group knew it better than the rest.
Silencing her at every moment that presented itself.

The others clouded the fact in their minds- as it was... trivial... in their lives.
But they kept on.
Day after day.
Until the all had a taste- one or one hundred- of the dependant girl- who deserved the punishment.

Past is past- never leaving- but not quite staying with us.
Leave it.
Leave it all.
Become what you thought you were never supposed to be.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Envy and Loathing

I often wonder, in the earliest hours of the morning, if you think of me. If you get excited at the thought of my trembling body. Do you relive your obscene acts while lying in bed- groping yourself, swelling at the thought of the hate and anger you had so readily available?

Do your eyes roll back when you remember my cries and sobs as you grinned?

Does your grip tighten as it did around my neck, cutting off the air supply, until I gasped that painful breath when you would finally let go..  And smile when the air rushed back into my lungs, simultaneously with your mixture of love and hate from your body.

Does your face contort to anger and self-loathing when your through? Or envy and jealousy of your former self- when you could get away with such acts?

Are you crushed under years of this guilt, or diminished by the realization that you will never have it again?

Thursday, June 6, 2013


Every boy I've ever thrown into manhood now has ink across their chest. Don't do the same.
I remember my nails slashing that bloody ink on a man who shoved me into womanhood.

Midnight Freedom

Almost midnight once again, 
Eyes closed, toes tapping to the music that only I can hear.
I am here, alive again. 
Free from what had held me before, 
So far away from everything I once knew.

And I am happy, loved... Free.
Free from the demons that haunted me
In those familiar streets, the only ones I knew.

Never again will I run into my former self.
No reminders of where I've been, who I've known in the past- in skin, in anger, in revenge.

Never again will I allow that type of pain or addiction afflict me, 
I swell with excitement, as you know so well, I am gone... And free.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Just Another Nightmare

I had a dream that he was wearing your face, looking at me with your eyes, and manipulating me wiith your mind. You were nothing but a puppet, bending to his will- like everyone else. I have thrown out the past, but it is never truely gone.

They are fewer and far between, but it is never forgotten, just placed on the back burner. Though I know most will continue to brand me as a liar; I do not care- for I have distanced myself throughout the years. While it may not be fresh in your mind, it always is in mine.
Things you could not imagine; and things you have ignored for far too long.
Try reliving it each night.