Envy and Loathing

I often wonder, in the earliest hours of the morning, if you think of me. If you get excited at the thought of my trembling body. Do you relive your obscene acts while lying in bed- groping yourself, swelling at the thought of the hate and anger you had so readily available?

Do your eyes roll back when you remember my cries and sobs as you grinned?

Does your grip tighten as it did around my neck, cutting off the air supply, until I gasped that painful breath when you would finally let go..  And smile when the air rushed back into my lungs, simultaneously with your mixture of love and hate from your body.

Does your face contort to anger and self-loathing when your through? Or envy and jealousy of your former self- when you could get away with such acts?

Are you crushed under years of this guilt, or diminished by the realization that you will never have it again?